Intimacy Anorexia: When Hearing the Words “I love You” is as Exciting as Purchasing Toilet Paper3/12/2012
Intimacy Anorexia: When Hearing the Words “I love You” is as Exciting as Purchasing Toilet Paper
Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX.Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S Want to hear another weapon utilized by the intimacy anorexic person? It is the meaningless “ I love you” words. The words are spoken, but the intended recipient of the words feels empty, sad and frustrated. The spoken” I love you’” words had meaning in the past. You may have been the recipient of empty I love you words. You desperately try to tell yourself that the words have meaning and are true. You tell yourself that your spouse loves you because they said so. Intimacy anorexia may be pulling you on an insanity rollercoaster. At some point, you realize that the” I love you” mean as much as saying: “Add toilet paper to the grocery list.” At this point, reality stares you in the face and you know and understand that the “I love you” words are simply that… just words. You come to realize that there have not been behaviors or actions to show you that you are loved, cherished, respected and important to your spouse. Some people state that they feel like a puppet- moving to the strings that are being pulled by their spouse. Why would the intimacy anorexic spouse utilize the “I love you” strategy? You have probably already been exposed to the shaming, blaming, criticizing and the rest of it. In an attempt, to keep you hooked onto the puppeteer’s strings and to keep you moving to the tune of the intimacy anorexic spouse, they need something to add to the arsenal of intimacy anorexic toolbox to keep you hooked. They keep you hooked by the “I Love You’s”. This does not take much effort. It takes a second to say the words and they know that you are hooked again. You so desperately want to believe the words, so you do. Until one day, when you see that you have taken the intimacy anorexic bait for a while. Love is shown by actions; love is felt in your soul and you are not feeling it. This “I love you” weapon is very powerful and is great for the intimacy anorexic spouse because their emotionally starved spouse is drawn back in. You are not threatening to leave, you hold on to the emotionally starved relationship and the intimacy anorexic can withdraw again, and the cycle repeats. The vicious circle goes like this: Intimacy anorexic spouse withdraws and emotionally starves their spouse. The starved spouse now gets angry and addresses the issue. The intimacy anorexic spouse gets afraid of losing their spouse, so they utilize the”I love you” weapon. The emotionally starved spouse now calms down and the intimacy anorexic can withdraw and withhold again until next time.... until you change the pattern. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Betrayal In Marriage: What to do When you are Wishing That Your Spouse Chokes on the Broccoli2/24/2012
Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S
Are you feeling ashamed about your secret wish that your spouse chokes on the broccoli, or whatever “death wish” that you suddenly and briefly had running through your brain? You know that you do not actually want your spouse to croak due to the broccoli, but the fantasy helps you from choking on your own feelings of powerlessness. Actually, you are not alone in having these split second thoughts run through your mind. There are people who have stated that their lives would be easier if their spouse was not around any longer- the words burst out with urgency and full of emotions. After this outburst, most people immediately retract their words. Many people are horrified at what had just come out of their mouths-looking bewildered, embarrassed, apologetic, and immediately stating that obviously they don’t want their spouse dead. So is it abnormal? Does it make you a bad person for secretly having a split- second wish that your spouse chokes on the broccoli? No, it does not make you a bad person. It does not mean that you are homicidal or that you actually wish for these things to happen. What it may mean is that you are experiencing many uncomfortable, painful feelings and that there are possibly many unresolved problems that you need to address in the marriage. You are not happy. You are not getting your needs met and you are disappointed at the deterioration of the marriage. You may wonder where these passive aggressive thoughts are coming from. Ask yourself what is happening in the marriage, what are you avoiding and try to identify what the unmet needs are. Maybe you have already analyzed these areas and you are afraid, for various reasons, of talking to your spouse about what is happening. Maybe you have tried talking to your spouse countless times only to get the cold shoulder, minimizations or blame. Do you need to set healthier boundaries? Are there addictive behaviors that are destroying the marriage? Are you enabling the behaviors? A partner of a sex addict experiences shock, disbelief and often suffers from trauma symptoms after finding out that her spouse is a sex addict and has been acting out sexually behind her back. Betrayed spouses who have found out about an affair or affairs experience pain, fear and anger. Spouses who live in emotionally starved relationships experience rejection, withholding and criticism on a regular basis. If you can identify with any of these situations, you are most likely in a lot of pain. It is the kind of pain that cannot just be swept under the rug. Seek out community resources; educate yourself by reading self-help books. Consider seeking professional help in order to work through the painful emotions, and work yourself to a place of healing. Let go of the broccoli death wish, it may actually save a life- yours. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern is a contract therapist at McK Intimacy Anorexia: The Grinch Who Deprived You of Valentine’s Day
Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S Are you frowning as you walk by all the heart shaped boxes of chocolate, red roses and loving cards? Maybe you are filled with sadness because you are fully aware that you will not be receiving any of these gifts or cards for Valentine’s Day. For some people, receiving gifts is their love language. Your spouse may be aware that you enjoy receiving gifts, yet she/he chooses not to get you anything. In the past, maybe you have tried preparing romantic dinners to celebrate Valentine’s Day only to get the cold shoulder and excuses of being busy, too tired, or your Valentine leaves to spend time with a friend instead. Maybe your Valentine starts a fight out of the blue which leaves you completely confused as to what is going on? Intimacy anorexics choose to wall off from their spouses. It is too scary for them to allow anybody in. The intimacy anorexic desires to be looked on as being the “good” one at all times. They cannot tolerate being vulnerable because you may see then that they are not always in the” good box”. You may recall from my earlier post that intimacy anorexia refers to people who deprive their partner/spouse of emotional closeness. They normally blame, shame, have angry outbursts, control money, and withhold love/sex/appreciations and praise from their spouse. Spouses of intimacy anorexics report that they feel more like an employee, nanny or roommate in the relationship than a spouse who is valued, respected, loved and cherished. This leaves the spouse feeling crazy and emotionally starved. If you suspect that you are in an intimacy anorexic relationship, you will need to nurture yourself on this Valentine’s Day. What brings you joy? How will you nurture yourself? If you feel like Valentine’s Day is depressing and a reminder of how empty your marriage has become, seek out something that will nurture you. Maybe you try a new activity, sign up for a class, or take a walk at sunset? It may take some time for you to figure out what it is that you do enjoy or what brings joy in your life. Take your time and do something nice for yourself on Valentine’s Day. If you are in an intimacy anorexic relationship, you probably feel alone. McKinney Counseling and Recovery offers group therapy for spouses of intimacy anorexics. This group utilizes a trauma based model and provides tools for coping and growing. Please see the” Group Therapy” tab on my website: www.ingelaedwardscounseling.com for more information, or visit the McKinney Counseling and Recovery at www.mckinneycounselingandrecovery.com Emotional Starvation-Insight to Intimacy Anorexia
Is something wrong in your relationship or marriage? Can’t quite put a finger on it, or is it blatantly obvious that your spouse shuts you out on purpose? Maybe your spouse is very likeable and popular out in public, with co-workers, neighbors and the community, yet once the door closes, this spouse has nothing to give you. Your heart is like a dried up sponge due to the emotional neglect, verbal outbursts and lack of intimacy. Most likely, you are wondering what is wrong with YOU? Are you often subjected to blame, shame, silent treatment, and anger outbursts? Maybe you are being shamed or controlled by money. You are told you make too little money, spend too much or you are sent on a guilt trip because your spouse may be the bread winner and controls every penny in the household. Most likely love and sex is being withheld also. Your spouse may make excuses, sabotages sex or plainly rejects you. Are you feeling more like a roommate in your marriage? Some people also state that they sometimes feel more like an employee than a spouse. So what is going on here? It may be that your spouse is an Intimacy Anorexic. The Intimacy Anorexic is normally viewed as a superstar in the community and you are labeled as the “crazy” one. You may actually think that you are crazy because the Intimacy Anorexic has probably told you so. That is one of the weapons in the IA’s arsenal. Purposefully, you are emotionally starved and the Intimacy Anorexic can slowly start chipping away at your self-esteem. Why? Because the Intimacy Anorexic can still stay in the “Good” box and you will be in the “Bad” box- making the Intimacy Anorexic look really good in the eyes of others. Intimacy Anorexia is often the result of childhood neglect and/or abuse. It can also be due to the claws of addiction, especially sex addiction. Sex Addiction and intimacy anorexia may go hand in hand for some, though not all addicts are anorexic. Just like recovery is a choice, so is Intimacy Anorexia. This is purposefully withholding or sabotaging love, sex, praise, emotional expression, and touch from one’s spouse. If you are in an anorexic relationship, reach out to others to work through the pain and emptiness this has caused you. Work with a therapist who has training in this area and seek out a support group. I would also recommend reading the book Intimacy Anorexia by Dr. Doug Weiss to jump start your healing. Although Intimacy Anorexia and Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not the same thing, some people also find it helpful to read books about living and healing from life with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), such as the book: Crazy Makers by Paul Meier, M.D. and Robert L. Wise, Ph.D. As a spouse of an Intimacy Anorexic, you have probably tried many things to feel loved, and in hindsight, you will probably notice that your attempts have failed. Maybe you have been told that you are too heavy, you lose the weight, and then you are told by your spouse that there is something else “wrong” with you and so it goes. You can’t “win” here. Either the anorexic works a recovery program and chooses to stop emotionally starving the spouse, or they choose not to. Regardless of what the Intimacy Anorexic spouse decides to do, you deserve to be heard, understand that this is not about YOU, and work on boundaries that will empower, protect and heal you. Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Larsen, MS, LPC-S 6 Types of Sex Addicts and Boo-Boo Mama
I recently attended a sex addiction workshop run by Dr. Doug Weiss from Heart to Heart Counseling in Colorado. I was there to learn about the six types of sex addicts in order to more effectively identify what was going on with clients, and to help them as quickly as possible. I never expected to hear about Boo-Boo Mama. First read on about the six different types of sex addicts as identified by Dr. Doug Weiss: 1. Biological Sex addict- found pornography and masturbation as a way to feel good and escape into fantasy-trained brain to reinforce and crave porn. 2. Psychological sex addict- has suffered abuse in the past, such as: sexual abuse, physical abuse or emotional abuse. 3. Spiritual based sex addict- had no connection to spirituality, but stops acting out when a spiritual purpose was found. 4. Mood/personality disorder sex addict- may medicate depression, bipolar disorder, NPD, or borderline personality disorder by acting out behaviors in order to stabilize mood. 5. Trauma based Sex addict- has suffered trauma and trauma bonding may have been the basis for acting out behaviors. 6. Intimacy Anorexic sex addict- purposely avoids intimacy with spouse and fills the void and emptiness with acting out behaviors. This is only a short description about the types of sex addicts. Sex addiction has horrible and devastating effects on the addict and his/her family. So where does “Boo-Boo Mama” fit into sex addiction? According to Dr. Weiss,” Boo-Boo Mama” belongs with the biological sex addict. I could not help but chuckle as Dr. Weiss attempted to explain the seriousness of the addicted brain, and the term “Boo-Boo Mama” came out. Dr. Weiss did this in attempt to explain the dynamics of the brain in a simple way, so those of us who are not neuroscientists could understand what was happening in the biological sex addict’s brain. So who is Boo-Boo Mama? Boo-Boo Mama is the fantasy that the biological sex addict escapes to when entering the fantasy world. She is the most gorgeous woman with the absolute perfect figure, and she wants the sex addict at all times. She is always positive, validating and affirming to the sex addict. The addict can do anything he desires, and she is always loving and approving. She doesn’t speak- the sex addict fantasies about what she says and does. Boo-Boo Mama makes the addict feel wonderful, powerful and wanted. When anything in the real world is stressful or hurtful, the sex addict can escape to Boo-Boo Mama and get instant relief. Boo-Boo Mama is easily accessible, because she resides on the internet. Boo-Boo Mama affects the brain of the addict. The addict constantly reinforces the pleasure neuropath ways of the brain by visiting Boo-Boo Mama. The addict also pays dearly, because Boo-Boo Mama will eventually drag the addict down into a world of lies, secrets and deception. Boo-Boo mama is a black widow or a praying mantis that will eat her suitor. The addict loses the ability to be intimate with real people, social skills may stall at an age where Boo- Boo Mama made her entrance, and Boo-Boo Mama may replace normal daily life responsibilities, which eventually may lead the addict to losing a relationship or a job. Whether you choose to call it fantasy, compartmentalizing, disassociation or just Boo-Boo Mama, Boo-Boo Mama is no laughing matter. If you are a partner of a sex addict, do not try to compete with Boo-Boo Mama, you will lose. Boo-Boo Mama is not real, but she will eventually chip your self-esteem away and leave you in despair, as no human can meet the unrealistic expectations. If you or someone you know is struggling with pornography addiction, on-going infidelity, or intimacy anorexia, call a therapist who has training in this area. Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX Supervised by: Debra Larsen, MS, LPC-S. |
AuthorIngela Edwards, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS is an individual and marriage therapist Categories
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